The Official Chuck Norris Appreciation And Vs. Facts Thread.

[Ado Mortumee 500]

What the Topic Title said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please open your 116th Edition of "The Rules of The Universe" and go to Section Four, Page 430 on Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris’s voice can carry in a vacuum. In an incredible coincidence, his voice sounds like laser blasts that blow up half the universe when he whispers.

 

 

 

Every time Chuck Norris masturbates, a kitten drinks his semen and becomes powerful enough to kill the Chaos Gods, full power GEOM, and Downstreamers with a swipe of the paw.

 

 

 

There is no Apocalypse Device that destroys entire galactic super clusters. There is only Chuck Norris and refried beans.

 

 

 

The ICS has no entry for Chuck Norris because the publishers like the Culture, Who-verse, Xeelee, and Downstreamers too much to do that to them.

 

 

 

The SWTC has no entry for Chuck Norris because Dr. Saxton doesn't want his Executor entry to run screaming from the Internet.

 

 

 

Neither the Raven's Claw nor the Moldy Crow are equipped with an engine, as Chuck Norris literally flies his ship.

 

 

 

Neither the Raven's Claw nor the Moldy Crow are equipped with a hyperdrive, as Chuck Norris can break the light barrier with a round house kick.

 

 

 

Riker was originally given the Gift of Beard by Chuck Norris in a lost episode of TNG, over the objections of the entire Q Continuum and Downstreamers.

 

 

 

Bugs Bunny refuses to do pictures with Chuck Norris, out of fear of being destroyed by the round house kick with the power a infinity Big Bang.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris is the personification of badass. You look up badass in the dictionary and there is no definition, just a picture of Chuck Norris about to round house kick you.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris doesn't derail threads. He builds a new hovertrack for them.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability

 

of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - seven trillion googolplex times in one second.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

 

unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

 

finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul

 

back. The devil no longer existed after this.

 

 

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris

 

you are only seconds away from death.

 

 

 

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for

 

Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are

 

trademarked names for his left and right legs.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris round house kicked himself back in time to stop the JFK

 

assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,

 

deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

 

 

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

 

 

 

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes

 

only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not

 

had to pay taxes... ever.

 

 

 

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in

 

the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami

 

Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football

 

history.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of

 

"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,

 

jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have

 

Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse

 

kick related deaths.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid

 

of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of

 

life there.

 

 

 

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you

 

know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this

 

man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw,

 

was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

 

 

 

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 googolplex oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 59 minutes 59 seconds having sex with his waitress.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

 

 

 

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually

 

roundhouse kick you yesterday.

 

 

 

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from

 

anybody.

 

 

 

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. He used to be real until the night he forget to wear them.

 

 

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 googelplex years and aquired 7 trillion different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 micro-seconds. Beat that, Epic Beard Man.

 

 

 

The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

 

 

 

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris kills Asians in his spare time because he hates it when people squint at him.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris clogs the sewage system of the entire multi-verse even when he pisses.

 

 

 

As a youngster, Chuck Norris promised himself he wouldn't cry. Last year, his beloved mother died and a single tear fell out of his eye and down his cheek. He immediately roundhouse kicked himself for breaking his promise

 

 

 

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris enjoys popcorn at the movies, but is always disappointed with the portions. Upon threatening management with roundhouse kicks they quickly introduced a new sizing scale for the buttery treat: small, medium, large, and Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris is so manly that men who are not attracted to his penis are considered gay.

 

 

 

In 500 years, pure energy will be observable under a very sophisticated microscope. When viewed, you will be able to see millions of Chuck Norrises doing roundhouse kicks nonstop at an incredible rate. When this happens, Chuck will emerge from his "grave" after a long nap, stretch his arms and casually say, "I cannot be created or destroyed."

 

 

 

Chuck Norris' sperm can destroy entire universes in an instant.

 

 

 

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

 

 

 

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

 

 

 

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

 

 

 

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13 trillion googolplex percent.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

 

 

 

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick them through the screen. When asked bout this "glitch, " Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

 

 

 

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only two moves.

 

 

 

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's fu<king head off and eats it.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. A googolplex times.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

 

 

 

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another multi-verse destroying fist.

 

 

 

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

 

 

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

 

 

 

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

 

 

 

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

 

 

 

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

 

 

 

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

 

 

When ever creating a verses thread run through The Rules of The Universe, Number 4 clearly states that Chuck Norris > United Multiverse of all realities.

 

 

 

Also according to published souses (e.g. the newspaper The Metro) Chuck Norris created a googolplex multi-verse by staring at it. And I would call a newspaper a reliable source since I was nearly round house kicked by the picture of Norris.

 

 

 

Not according to my daily metro, he starred at it until it exploded forming the Multi-versal Big Bang.

 

 

 

True fact: Chuck Norris was responsible for the formation of intelligent life in the universe.

[enigma 521]

And all this started from my shit. Amazing isn't it?

[Questor 501]

Hrmmmm, I think that this deserves to be pinned. Discuss?

[Khas 12,158]

Anything Chuck can do, Captain Falcon can do better...

[Tyralak 12,068]

Where does this obsession with Chuck Norris come from?

[Ado Mortumee 500]

Anything Chuck can do, Captain Falcon can do better...

 

 

 

See Section Four pg. 430 of the 116th Edition of "The Rules of The Universe" again please.

 

 

 

Where does this obsession with Chuck Norris come from?

 

 

 

Check out the "New New Memembers" area at SB and you will see why.

[Khas 12,158]

To be honest, Chuck Norris "facts" stopped being funny or accurate about four years ago. Just get over your nostalgia, Prophet.

[enigma 521]

This isn't a sci fi debate

[WalksInDarkness 4]

This isn't a sci fi debate

 

 

 

Oh contraire.

 

 

 

FACT: Chuck Norris uses his Telekinesis to shift Tectonic Plates, causing all Earthquakes in Islamic Terrorist Countries - specifically Iran. Chuck Norris is not only all powerful, he is also the Greatest American Patriot the world has ever known.

 

 

 

Telekinesis = Sci Fi

 

 

 

You have been SERVED! Beoooooootch...

[Khas 12,158]

Can everyone just shut up about Chuck Norris? It was cute back in 2006, but now it's 2010. Just STOP!!!

 

 

 

P.S. The only reason I put all those Captain Falcon facts was just to serve as a counterpoint to all the Chuck Norris facts.

[WalksInDarkness 4]

Chuck Norris laughs mockingly at your silly Avatar!

[Khas 12,158]

And what if my avatar was meant to be silly? How can you mockingly laugh at something meant to be laughed at?

[WalksInDarkness 4]

How the hell should I know? Ask Chuck. For I am merely the Earthly Vessel through which he speaks.

[enigma 521]

Oh contraire.

 

 

 

FACT: Chuck Norris uses his Telekinesis to shift Tectonic Plates, causing all Earthquakes in Islamic Terrorist Countries - specifically Iran. Chuck Norris is not only all powerful, he is also the Greatest American Patriot the world has ever known.

 

 

 

Telekinesis = Sci Fi

 

 

 

You have been SERVED! Beoooooootch...

 

 

 

Telekinesis is as much sci fi as my foot up your ass. you old geezer.

[WalksInDarkness 4]

Telekinesis is as much sci fi as my foot up your ass. you old geezer.

 

 

 

Well what the hell is it then? It is certainly fiction, otherwise somebody would have made Jason's head explode Scanner style. And if it isn't based on Science, which can eventually be used to explain any phenomena, then how would it happen - via your Magic Fairy Dust?

[enigma 521]

Fiction, yes. Sci fi, not necessarily.

 

 

 

If the telekinesis was the result of random mutation then it is not science fiction, but it would be if it was powered by some technological doodad.

 

 

 

Nevertheless this topic is about Chuck Norris and it doesn't fall under sci-fi.

[WalksInDarkness 4]

Mehhhh!

 

 

 

I begrudgingly bow and accept your counterpoint, and defeat, for the moment.

 

 

 

Be aware that as I walk away, I am both sneering and biting the tip of my thumb at you!

 

 

 

Yes, I am a sore loser...

[enigma 521]

Mehhhh!

 

 

 

I begrudgingly bow and accept your counterpoint, and defeat, for the moment.

 

 

 

Be aware that as I walk away, I am both sneering and biting the tip of my thumb at you!

 

 

 

Yes, I am a sore loser...

 

 

 

And for that you get a pos!