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The Mighty Python's Guide to the Milky Way (Chapters 1-2)

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THE MIGHTY PYTHON'S GUIDE TO THE MILKY WAY

 

 

 

 

 

The adventures of Grandus Stultissimus, the stupidest man to ever

 

serve in the Imperial Navy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A fanfic by Michael January

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER ONE

 

 

 

 

 

Grand Admiral Grandus Stultissimus hated having to come see the

 

Emperor. Not that he feared the old green-faced fart. But coming to

 

see the Emperor was a hateful reminder that he was not after all the

 

most powerful man in the Galactic Empire. Worse, he would have to

 

kneel to the Emperor. As recompense he had promised himself he would

 

find a planet to blow up once the meeting was over. In the meanwhile,

 

he would have to settle for taking along his most ruthless bodyguards,

 

the Red Dragon unit.

 

His barge landed on a sky platform on the same level as the

 

Grand Corridor to the Imperial Palace. As soon as the ramp lowered, he

 

marched out and along the corridor as fast as he could walk, his

 

bodyguards rushing into protective positions in front of him and

 

around him. Those intelligent enough to recognise his purple insignia

 

dived for cover, climbed a nearby Cha'ala tree, or threw themselves

 

over the edge and down to the next level thirty meters below. The rest

 

of the people in the corridor glanced up in irritation, and then fled

 

in terror as his bodyguards cut a path of destruction through the

 

masses, swinging Force-pikes and vibro-axes with gusto.

 

Grandus Stultissimus grinned in glee as severed limbs flew

 

over his head, red and green blood spilt everywhere, and gold ichor

 

ran like water under his feet. 'Ah,' he thought. 'Maybe there was an

 

upside to coming to see the Emperor after all.' It was not often that

 

he got to see destruction first hand. He made a mental note to get out

 

more often, then promptly forgot it as he was mesmerised by the beauty

 

of a human arm spinning through the air, spattering blood as it

 

twirled, and colliding spectacularly with a tentacle which also

 

spattered green blood as it twirled gracefully into the sky.

 

By the time his entourage made it to the Palace gates, the

 

Grand Corridor was clear of all life-forms except Stultissimus and his

 

guards. They swept on into the Palace, and into the Grand Reception

 

Hall. The Emperor was seated on a raised dais at the far end of the

 

massive room, and several droid fighters circled lazily overhead, with

 

the Emperor's crimson guard scattered liberally around the room.

 

Stultissimus remembered just in time to order his guards to remain at

 

the entrance. Last time, several of them had been killed by the

 

Emperor's guard when they had got too enthusiastic about clearing a

 

path for him and killed one of the Emperor's guards by mistake.

 

"Master. You called, and your humble servant answers."

 

"Grandus Stultissimus. I have a commission for you." The

 

Emperor croaked softly.

 

Stultissimus eyes lit up. An Imperial commission was often a

 

brilliant excuse for bloodshed and mayhem.

 

"A commission, my Lord?"

 

An extermination, he prayed. Please let it be an

 

extermination. He hadn't been allowed to exterminate any species for

 

quite a while. He hoped it was nothing to do with this measly

 

rebellion he had heard about. Such small-time things were for pussies

 

like Vader.

 

"My scientists have recently discovered a mechanism for

 

sending a ship to another galaxy. I have selected you for this

 

mission. I want you to go and conquer this galaxy for me." The Emperor

 

told him.

 

Stultissimus eyes nearly fell out. His jaw dropped open. Drool

 

ran down his chin onto his robe. He suddenly collected his thoughts,

 

slurped the drool back up quickly, and wiped his chin with the sleeve

 

of his robe.

 

"A ... a galaxy, my Lord?"

 

"Yes, Stultissimus. An entire galaxy. I want you to crush it

 

for me. Bring it to heal."

 

Stultissimus slobbered. He barely heard the Emperor's words.

 

Visions of destruction, flames, and detonating planets danced before

 

his eyes. His mind snapped back to practical issues with a level of

 

agility he was convinced only he, the greatest Admiral of all time,

 

was capable of.

 

"My fleet. Do I get to take my whole fleet? Will it be enough

 

for an entire galaxy, my liege. I mean, won't I need thousands more

 

ships. After all, my fleet is less than a tenth the size of the

 

Imperial Navy, and if I'm meant to quell an entire galaxy I will need

 

Death Stars, I will need Eclipses, I will need Sovereigns, I will need

 

World Devastators, I will need ..."

 

The Emperor waved the slobbering figure to silence.

 

"The Device is good for only one ship. You will have one ship,

 

and one ship only."

 

"The Death Star!" Stultissimus said without hesitation,

 

congratulating himself on his mental alacrity.

 

"Unfortunately, we only have one, and I have promised it to

 

Lord Vader."

 

"Lord Vader, Kord Schmader." Stultissimus wailed, and stamped

 

his foot. "You always liked him more. Why can't I for once get my

 

way." He suddenly remembered where he was, peed his pants, and pulled

 

his robe closer hoping no-one would notice. "I mean, please, your

 

Excellency." He collected himself finally, careful to spread his robe

 

so that no-one would notice the pool of yellow fluid around his feet,

 

and grinned sickly at the Emperor.

 

"Enough. I will allow you to take a few World Devastators, and

 

have prepared a ship for you. I am sure you can provide a crew. Though

 

not as powerful as the Death Star, it will have to do."

 

"Oh, alright." Stultissimus whined.

 

"Dismissed." The Emperor waved him away.

 

The diminutive figure of the idiotic Grand Admiral stomped

 

miserably out of the Reception Hall. The Emperor gestured lightly and

 

a droid darted forward to mop up the urine on the floor, bleeping in

 

disgust. From behind the raised throne, a dark and menacing figure

 

advanced.

 

"Master. Is this wise?" Lord Vader enquired of the Emperor.

 

"I assure you, my loyal Darth Vader, it is. Stultissimus is an

 

idiot of Gungun proportions. He is too stupid to realise that the

 

device only works one way. Once he has used it, he will never be able

 

to return. This is the only sure way to get rid of him."

 

"I never understood how he came to be a Grand Admiral in the

 

first place. The man has less intelligence than a love-sick

 

Corellian." Vader droned in his bass tones.

 

"Ah, my good Lord Vader. That is why I am Emperor and you are

 

not. Stultissimus has one unique gift. Despite his stupidity, or

 

perhaps because of it, he is imbued with a tremendous strength in the

 

Force."

 

"That is a Jedi?" Vader asked incredulously, pointing after

 

Stultissimus.

 

"No, of course not. He would never have passed the

 

psychological screening, and even I would not train such a one.

 

However, have you not noticed how he has a talent for succeeding even

 

at the impossible, no matter how ridiculous his strategy."

 

"I have wondered." Vader admitted.

 

"Yes, well. Trust me, Vader, when I tell you that even I would

 

hesitate to engage Stultissimus in battle. The Force seems to take

 

sadistic pleasure in supporting idiots such as he."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stultissimus flagship was an Eclipse class Super Star

 

Destroyer named The Mighty Python. It had one annoying and unlucky

 

trait. Every time it terminated a Hyperspace jump it always managed to

 

ram and totally destroy some lesser ship. As a result, the scientists

 

working on the Gate had especially planned for this moment. The

 

imminent arrival of The Mighty Python. They had run hundreds of

 

simulations on their computers, consulted statistical geniuses from

 

all over the Galaxy, and had eventually came up with an idea. A

 

brilliant idea. They arranged to have the space around their

 

installation surrounded by dozens of tiny corvettes and gunships.

 

Their defensive fleet of Star Destroyers had been despatched to a

 

point several light years away, and they had moved their two Golan II

 

battle-stations as far from the installation as possible.

 

Statistically now, they were sure that The Mighty Python would

 

only destroy a corvette or perhaps a gunship when it arrived. They had

 

then organised a betting pool, and large sums of credits had been

 

expended in the betting as to which of the corvettes or gunships would

 

be destroyed.

 

"Two to one on a corvette." One of the bookies shouted. "I

 

will give two to one on a corvette."

 

"Even odds on a gunship." Another bookie shouted.

 

"Thirty to one he hits the Corellian Terrier."

 

"Forty to one it's the Chandrilian Hounddog."

 

"Ten to one he hits the installation itself."

 

A few people shuddered at the thought, considered resigning

 

and relocating, then decided even Stultissimus would not be that

 

idiotic to jump in directly next to the installation, but would rather

 

terminate his jump some distance away.

 

Credits passed hands, bookies smiled in glee, and scientists

 

and engineers eagerly calculated odds on their positronic slide-rules.

 

As the moment arrived, the betting was closed, and everyone in the

 

installation clustered around a viewing port. None awaited the arrival

 

with more anticipation though than the hapless crews aboard the

 

corvettes and gunships. Many of them were unable to even blink, ready

 

to take emergency evasive action the moment The Mighty Python

 

appeared.

 

Suddenly the light from a massive explosion blotted out the

 

stars for several seconds, and many would have been blinded if not for

 

the automatic anti-glare filters kicking in.

 

"Who did he hit?" Somebody asked.

 

"I dunno, it was very far out, he must have decided to give

 

himself a healthy safety margin."

 

"But there's nothing out there except ..."

 

A collective groan passed through the crowd. Nobody had

 

thought to bet on one of the distant Golan II battle-stations.

 

Out of the darkness, a scorched and blackened Eclipse class

 

Super Star Destroyer slowly approached. Across it's nose, two mighty

 

super-hardened durasteel bullbars resembling a ragnor's horns proudly

 

bore a scorched sign: "I brake for nobody!"

 

 

 

 

 

The scientist in charge of the Galactic Gate project waited

 

apprehensively for the turbolift doors in the docking bay to open.

 

When it did, he stepped back in alarm as several large red armoured

 

figures marched out, one of them dragging a limp and bedraggled body

 

clad in a tattered uniform. Jumping on the body, and kicking it, and

 

snarling and spitting, was a diminutive little figure in a purple

 

robe. Spying the scientists, he stopped his murderous assault on the

 

unconscious human figure.

 

"Hey, you. Where can I get another pilot?"

 

"I will see that you are assigned another pilot, immediately,

 

Admiral." The scientist quickly answered.

 

"Yeah. And show me this ship the Emperor has prepared. I want

 

to see what I have to work with. Conquering a whole galaxy with just

 

one ship is not going to be easy, you know, so this had better be

 

good!"

 

"This way, Admiral."

 

 

 

 

 

THE MIGHTY PYTHON'S GUIDE TO THE MILKY WAY

 

 

 

 

 

The adventures of Grandus Stultissimus, the stupidest man to ever

 

serve in the Imperial Navy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A fanfic by Michael January

 

 

 

 

 

CHAPTER TWO

 

 

 

Grandus was impressed. The ship was not the Death Star, but the

 

Emperor had not scrimped on him. The vessel to be used for the

 

inter-galactic transit was a thirty kilometer battle-station which

 

dwarfed his personal flagship the Eclipse-class Mighty Python.

 

Attached to the exterior surface of the massive battle-station were

 

hundreds of landing barges for planetary invasions, six world

 

devastators, and a docking bay big enough to accommodate The Mighty

 

Python.

 

"We have named her Python's Home," the scientist said eagerly.

 

"She has a crew of five hundred thousand, carries two million fully

 

equipped soldiers, and has ten million fully trained fleet personnel

 

as passengers. Whatever you build with the World Devastators, you will

 

have sufficient crew to operate it. The battle-station is fully

 

capable of defending itself, and has everything in the way of weapons

 

except a superlaser. However, the docking mechanism for The Mighty

 

Python is configured such that you can fire it's superlaser even when

 

docked. What do you think? Admiral"

 

"Oh, it will have to do, I suppose" Stultissimus said

 

grudgingly. Better not to give anything away to these scientist types.

 

They always thought they were so superior. "When do I leave?"

 

"As soon as you're onboard." The scientist answered.

 

"Everything is prepared."

 

"Great. Let's get on with it. What do we do?"

 

"You fly it through that great big ring over there. The ring

 

will launch you to your destination. The trip will be near

 

instantaneous."

 

"Okay. It had better be, or the Emperor will be distressed. He

 

doesn't like waiting for results, you know."

 

"It will be, Sir." The scientist assured him. He mentally

 

thanked the Gods that Stultissimus hadn't asked how he would come

 

back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FOUNDER'S HOME WORLD - SECRET LOCATION - GAMMA QUADRANT

 

 

 

Only a handful of continents peeked out of the great pink ocean which

 

covered the homeworld of the Founders. Any people scanning the planet

 

would have picked up very few life-forms, all of low-order. Founders

 

did not register on ordinary life-form detection equipment. Even a

 

close-up view of the planet would have revealed little. An apparently

 

deserted planet with one massive pink ocean. A small starport was the

 

only clue that this planet was not what it seemed.

 

Only those knowledgeable of the Founders would know that the

 

entire pink ocean was in fact nearly the sum total of all the Founders

 

in the galaxy, in one great big mind-meld. A handful of Founders were

 

away on various secret missions in the huge territory controlled by

 

the Founders, or perhaps even as far away as the Alpha Quadrant, which

 

was attracting ever more Founder activity of late.

 

The one starport was manned by a handful of Gem'Hadar

 

warriors, with a few Vorta handlers. A number of Gem'Hadar fighters

 

were scattered across the expanse of Ferrocrete which was the

 

starport. There were no other defences in sight. This world's greatest

 

defence was it's absolute secrecy. The secrecy was protected by dozens

 

of 'listening posts' scattered through all the surrounding systems,

 

with immense starports and massive fleets concentrated in these star

 

systems. Several 'decoy worlds' dotted the regions of the galaxy

 

controlled by the Founders, most of them with similar protection. It

 

was very rare that an enemy managed to penetrate to any of these

 

worlds, and only once had one of them come under bombardment.

 

The chances of any enemy fleet discovering this world was very

 

slim, and there was no chance that any fleet would be able to

 

penetrate this deep into Dominion space without being detected and

 

annihilated.

 

The Gem'Hadar stiffened even further than they already were as

 

a Vorta approached. The Vorta wore a pink amulet, a symbol that it was

 

in fact not a Vorta but one of the God's themselves. It waved to a

 

nearby battle-cruiser. Several Gem'Hadar sprang forward, forming an

 

impromptu honor guard, and escorted their God to the battle-cruiser.

 

It never even occurred to them to question their God's motives. It was

 

enough that they were being given an opportunity to serve.

 

The battle-cruiser rose swiftly through the thin atmosphere,

 

as the captain directed the ship on the heading indicated by the God

 

they carried. Few Founders left their home world at all, unless there

 

was a mission of vital importance that one of their various subjugated

 

species could not handle. It was a great honour to be able to escort

 

such a one, even though such an escort usually meant their certain

 

death in the interests of secrecy at the end of the mission. The

 

captain and his officers were extremely proud to be able to serve

 

their masters so directly, and looked forward to their inevitable

 

death, and what had to be an extremely important mission.

 

A shout from a bridge crewman caused the captain to look up

 

sharply, just in time to see the hugest ship he had ever seen

 

materialise out of nowhere directly in their path. He had no time for

 

a death cry before the mile-long battle-cruiser was obliterated when

 

it smashed into the forward shields protecting one of the smaller

 

structures of the Python's Home.

 

 

 

 

 

"SHIT!" Stultissimus shouted. He was looking out of one of the

 

bridge view-ports just as they terminated their inter-galactic jump,

 

and the hull of the Python's Home stretched off into the distance for

 

tens of kilometers, the details of it's architecture lost in the

 

distance, too small to be seen by the unaided eye. "We didn't hit

 

anything!"

 

The collision was so far away that the Gem'hadar ship he had

 

obliterated was too small to see with the naked eye. The sensor

 

operator determined that it would not be wise to correct the

 

diminutive figure in his pretentious purple robes, and kept quiet

 

about the collision. One never knew whether he would be furious or

 

relieved about colliding into something. In any case, the collision

 

had barely dented their shields.

 

The Admiral turned away from the viewing port, thus failing to

 

see the debris come sailing past the view-port and causing the sensor

 

operator immense relief.

 

"Scan that world below." Stultissimus shouted.

 

"It is largely deserted, Excellency. A few life-forms at one

 

small starport, but otherwise nothing."

 

"Ah, Fuck! Well it will have to do. Detach one of the

 

Devastators, and get it started on that planet."

 

Stultissimus stomped his foot in frustration. He had rather

 

hoped that the first world he discovered was a heavily populated one.

 

It would have been really cool to see their response to a World

 

Devastator.

 

"What shall we program the World Devastator for, Excellency?"

 

"Is there enough material down there for another Eclipse?"

 

"We can make two fully equipped Eclipses, complete with

 

TIE/Defender fighter squadrons, out of that world, Excellency, with

 

some wasted material." The operator answered after glancing at his

 

console. The console reported 2.3 Eclipses, but the 0.3 would probably

 

confuse the Admiral.

 

"Do it."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the ground, the Gem'hadar were racing to their ships, several

 

fighters took off into the sky, followed by the battle-cruisers. A

 

call went out to all nearby star-systems, reporting they were under

 

attack, but no reinforcements would be able to get here for at least

 

twelve hours even at maximum warp.

 

The fighters never cleared the atmosphere. They were caught up

 

in immense turbulence caused as some sort of energy field began

 

ripping the atmosphere off the planet. A few of the battle-cruisers

 

got off a few shots, but their weaponry made no impression on the

 

immense energy fields sweeping across the planet and drawing in matter

 

of all type and description.

 

The matter scooped up by the World Devastator's energy fields

 

were trapped in a another energy field, where a fission reaction was

 

initiated. The matter was broken down into it's sub-atomic

 

constituents, the fission reactions providing the energy to extend the

 

energy fields even further, thus gathering more matter, which was

 

broken down in more fission reactions releasing more energy in a

 

continuous feed-back loop. The sub-atomic particles released were

 

gathered into an immense cloud contained in yet another energy field

 

where a continuously looping feed-back fusion reaction was initiated.

 

Slowly, the energy field began to take the shape of an Eclipse-class

 

Super Star Destroyer.

 

The World Devastator itself was the conduit for all these

 

energies, and it was already glowing red-hot as a by-product of the

 

energies coursing through it. Already, the energy scoops flickering

 

across the planet below had dug deep into the crust, and the mantle

 

was exposed. For a second the World Devastator glowed brighter than

 

the nearby star around which the planet was orbiting, then it

 

detonated in a blinding flash of barely controlled energies. When the

 

flash faded, two spanking brand-new Eclipse-class Star Destroyers were

 

floating in space, surrounded by a handful of molten rocks, slowly

 

cooling down. Most of the matter of the planet had been converted to

 

pure energy, some of which had been used to fully charge all systems

 

on-board the two Eclipse-class destroyers.

 

"I LOVE THIS TOY!" Stultissimus exulted. He couldn't wait to

 

try one out on an inhabited planet. "Okay okay okay. Enough gawping,"

 

he shouted at his bridge crew. "Get the crews and troops on board

 

those Destroyers, and let's go find some action. I'm bored already."

 

He walked over to the hologram of the surrounding space mapped

 

out by the sensor crews. "Launch all probes, find me an inhabited

 

system quickly, before I kill one of you out of boredom. Eeny meeny

 

miney MO!" He picked a star at random. "In the meanwhile, let's go see

 

what this one is."

 

In minutes, hundreds of shuttles and barges had been launched

 

to each Eclipse-class Destroyer, and the small fleet was prepared to

 

jump to the star Stultissiumus had indicated. The two Eclipse-class

 

Destroyers moved into flanking positions on the massive

 

battle-station, and the three massive vessels flickered into

 

hyperspace. The sub-space pulse calling for reinforcements had only

 

just reached the nearest star-systems, and it would be several hours

 

before any Gem'Hadar ships arrived and discovered that their Gods had

 

ceased to exist, except for the handful who hadn't been on the planet.

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