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The Mighty Python's Guide to the Milky Way (Chapters 1-2)

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The adventures of Grandus Stultissimus, the stupidest man to ever


serve in the Imperial Navy.








A fanfic by Michael January












Grand Admiral Grandus Stultissimus hated having to come see the


Emperor. Not that he feared the old green-faced fart. But coming to


see the Emperor was a hateful reminder that he was not after all the


most powerful man in the Galactic Empire. Worse, he would have to


kneel to the Emperor. As recompense he had promised himself he would


find a planet to blow up once the meeting was over. In the meanwhile,


he would have to settle for taking along his most ruthless bodyguards,


the Red Dragon unit.


His barge landed on a sky platform on the same level as the


Grand Corridor to the Imperial Palace. As soon as the ramp lowered, he


marched out and along the corridor as fast as he could walk, his


bodyguards rushing into protective positions in front of him and


around him. Those intelligent enough to recognise his purple insignia


dived for cover, climbed a nearby Cha'ala tree, or threw themselves


over the edge and down to the next level thirty meters below. The rest


of the people in the corridor glanced up in irritation, and then fled


in terror as his bodyguards cut a path of destruction through the


masses, swinging Force-pikes and vibro-axes with gusto.


Grandus Stultissimus grinned in glee as severed limbs flew


over his head, red and green blood spilt everywhere, and gold ichor


ran like water under his feet. 'Ah,' he thought. 'Maybe there was an


upside to coming to see the Emperor after all.' It was not often that


he got to see destruction first hand. He made a mental note to get out


more often, then promptly forgot it as he was mesmerised by the beauty


of a human arm spinning through the air, spattering blood as it


twirled, and colliding spectacularly with a tentacle which also


spattered green blood as it twirled gracefully into the sky.


By the time his entourage made it to the Palace gates, the


Grand Corridor was clear of all life-forms except Stultissimus and his


guards. They swept on into the Palace, and into the Grand Reception


Hall. The Emperor was seated on a raised dais at the far end of the


massive room, and several droid fighters circled lazily overhead, with


the Emperor's crimson guard scattered liberally around the room.


Stultissimus remembered just in time to order his guards to remain at


the entrance. Last time, several of them had been killed by the


Emperor's guard when they had got too enthusiastic about clearing a


path for him and killed one of the Emperor's guards by mistake.


"Master. You called, and your humble servant answers."


"Grandus Stultissimus. I have a commission for you." The


Emperor croaked softly.


Stultissimus eyes lit up. An Imperial commission was often a


brilliant excuse for bloodshed and mayhem.


"A commission, my Lord?"


An extermination, he prayed. Please let it be an


extermination. He hadn't been allowed to exterminate any species for


quite a while. He hoped it was nothing to do with this measly


rebellion he had heard about. Such small-time things were for pussies


like Vader.


"My scientists have recently discovered a mechanism for


sending a ship to another galaxy. I have selected you for this


mission. I want you to go and conquer this galaxy for me." The Emperor


told him.


Stultissimus eyes nearly fell out. His jaw dropped open. Drool


ran down his chin onto his robe. He suddenly collected his thoughts,


slurped the drool back up quickly, and wiped his chin with the sleeve


of his robe.


"A ... a galaxy, my Lord?"


"Yes, Stultissimus. An entire galaxy. I want you to crush it


for me. Bring it to heal."


Stultissimus slobbered. He barely heard the Emperor's words.


Visions of destruction, flames, and detonating planets danced before


his eyes. His mind snapped back to practical issues with a level of


agility he was convinced only he, the greatest Admiral of all time,


was capable of.


"My fleet. Do I get to take my whole fleet? Will it be enough


for an entire galaxy, my liege. I mean, won't I need thousands more


ships. After all, my fleet is less than a tenth the size of the


Imperial Navy, and if I'm meant to quell an entire galaxy I will need


Death Stars, I will need Eclipses, I will need Sovereigns, I will need


World Devastators, I will need ..."


The Emperor waved the slobbering figure to silence.


"The Device is good for only one ship. You will have one ship,


and one ship only."


"The Death Star!" Stultissimus said without hesitation,


congratulating himself on his mental alacrity.


"Unfortunately, we only have one, and I have promised it to


Lord Vader."


"Lord Vader, Kord Schmader." Stultissimus wailed, and stamped


his foot. "You always liked him more. Why can't I for once get my


way." He suddenly remembered where he was, peed his pants, and pulled


his robe closer hoping no-one would notice. "I mean, please, your


Excellency." He collected himself finally, careful to spread his robe


so that no-one would notice the pool of yellow fluid around his feet,


and grinned sickly at the Emperor.


"Enough. I will allow you to take a few World Devastators, and


have prepared a ship for you. I am sure you can provide a crew. Though


not as powerful as the Death Star, it will have to do."


"Oh, alright." Stultissimus whined.


"Dismissed." The Emperor waved him away.


The diminutive figure of the idiotic Grand Admiral stomped


miserably out of the Reception Hall. The Emperor gestured lightly and


a droid darted forward to mop up the urine on the floor, bleeping in


disgust. From behind the raised throne, a dark and menacing figure




"Master. Is this wise?" Lord Vader enquired of the Emperor.


"I assure you, my loyal Darth Vader, it is. Stultissimus is an


idiot of Gungun proportions. He is too stupid to realise that the


device only works one way. Once he has used it, he will never be able


to return. This is the only sure way to get rid of him."


"I never understood how he came to be a Grand Admiral in the


first place. The man has less intelligence than a love-sick


Corellian." Vader droned in his bass tones.


"Ah, my good Lord Vader. That is why I am Emperor and you are


not. Stultissimus has one unique gift. Despite his stupidity, or


perhaps because of it, he is imbued with a tremendous strength in the




"That is a Jedi?" Vader asked incredulously, pointing after




"No, of course not. He would never have passed the


psychological screening, and even I would not train such a one.


However, have you not noticed how he has a talent for succeeding even


at the impossible, no matter how ridiculous his strategy."


"I have wondered." Vader admitted.


"Yes, well. Trust me, Vader, when I tell you that even I would


hesitate to engage Stultissimus in battle. The Force seems to take


sadistic pleasure in supporting idiots such as he."








Stultissimus flagship was an Eclipse class Super Star


Destroyer named The Mighty Python. It had one annoying and unlucky


trait. Every time it terminated a Hyperspace jump it always managed to


ram and totally destroy some lesser ship. As a result, the scientists


working on the Gate had especially planned for this moment. The


imminent arrival of The Mighty Python. They had run hundreds of


simulations on their computers, consulted statistical geniuses from


all over the Galaxy, and had eventually came up with an idea. A


brilliant idea. They arranged to have the space around their


installation surrounded by dozens of tiny corvettes and gunships.


Their defensive fleet of Star Destroyers had been despatched to a


point several light years away, and they had moved their two Golan II


battle-stations as far from the installation as possible.


Statistically now, they were sure that The Mighty Python would


only destroy a corvette or perhaps a gunship when it arrived. They had


then organised a betting pool, and large sums of credits had been


expended in the betting as to which of the corvettes or gunships would


be destroyed.


"Two to one on a corvette." One of the bookies shouted. "I


will give two to one on a corvette."


"Even odds on a gunship." Another bookie shouted.


"Thirty to one he hits the Corellian Terrier."


"Forty to one it's the Chandrilian Hounddog."


"Ten to one he hits the installation itself."


A few people shuddered at the thought, considered resigning


and relocating, then decided even Stultissimus would not be that


idiotic to jump in directly next to the installation, but would rather


terminate his jump some distance away.


Credits passed hands, bookies smiled in glee, and scientists


and engineers eagerly calculated odds on their positronic slide-rules.


As the moment arrived, the betting was closed, and everyone in the


installation clustered around a viewing port. None awaited the arrival


with more anticipation though than the hapless crews aboard the


corvettes and gunships. Many of them were unable to even blink, ready


to take emergency evasive action the moment The Mighty Python




Suddenly the light from a massive explosion blotted out the


stars for several seconds, and many would have been blinded if not for


the automatic anti-glare filters kicking in.


"Who did he hit?" Somebody asked.


"I dunno, it was very far out, he must have decided to give


himself a healthy safety margin."


"But there's nothing out there except ..."


A collective groan passed through the crowd. Nobody had


thought to bet on one of the distant Golan II battle-stations.


Out of the darkness, a scorched and blackened Eclipse class


Super Star Destroyer slowly approached. Across it's nose, two mighty


super-hardened durasteel bullbars resembling a ragnor's horns proudly


bore a scorched sign: "I brake for nobody!"






The scientist in charge of the Galactic Gate project waited


apprehensively for the turbolift doors in the docking bay to open.


When it did, he stepped back in alarm as several large red armoured


figures marched out, one of them dragging a limp and bedraggled body


clad in a tattered uniform. Jumping on the body, and kicking it, and


snarling and spitting, was a diminutive little figure in a purple


robe. Spying the scientists, he stopped his murderous assault on the


unconscious human figure.


"Hey, you. Where can I get another pilot?"


"I will see that you are assigned another pilot, immediately,


Admiral." The scientist quickly answered.


"Yeah. And show me this ship the Emperor has prepared. I want


to see what I have to work with. Conquering a whole galaxy with just


one ship is not going to be easy, you know, so this had better be




"This way, Admiral."












The adventures of Grandus Stultissimus, the stupidest man to ever


serve in the Imperial Navy.








A fanfic by Michael January










Grandus was impressed. The ship was not the Death Star, but the


Emperor had not scrimped on him. The vessel to be used for the


inter-galactic transit was a thirty kilometer battle-station which


dwarfed his personal flagship the Eclipse-class Mighty Python.


Attached to the exterior surface of the massive battle-station were


hundreds of landing barges for planetary invasions, six world


devastators, and a docking bay big enough to accommodate The Mighty




"We have named her Python's Home," the scientist said eagerly.


"She has a crew of five hundred thousand, carries two million fully


equipped soldiers, and has ten million fully trained fleet personnel


as passengers. Whatever you build with the World Devastators, you will


have sufficient crew to operate it. The battle-station is fully


capable of defending itself, and has everything in the way of weapons


except a superlaser. However, the docking mechanism for The Mighty


Python is configured such that you can fire it's superlaser even when


docked. What do you think? Admiral"


"Oh, it will have to do, I suppose" Stultissimus said


grudgingly. Better not to give anything away to these scientist types.


They always thought they were so superior. "When do I leave?"


"As soon as you're onboard." The scientist answered.


"Everything is prepared."


"Great. Let's get on with it. What do we do?"


"You fly it through that great big ring over there. The ring


will launch you to your destination. The trip will be near




"Okay. It had better be, or the Emperor will be distressed. He


doesn't like waiting for results, you know."


"It will be, Sir." The scientist assured him. He mentally


thanked the Gods that Stultissimus hadn't asked how he would come
















Only a handful of continents peeked out of the great pink ocean which


covered the homeworld of the Founders. Any people scanning the planet


would have picked up very few life-forms, all of low-order. Founders


did not register on ordinary life-form detection equipment. Even a


close-up view of the planet would have revealed little. An apparently


deserted planet with one massive pink ocean. A small starport was the


only clue that this planet was not what it seemed.


Only those knowledgeable of the Founders would know that the


entire pink ocean was in fact nearly the sum total of all the Founders


in the galaxy, in one great big mind-meld. A handful of Founders were


away on various secret missions in the huge territory controlled by


the Founders, or perhaps even as far away as the Alpha Quadrant, which


was attracting ever more Founder activity of late.


The one starport was manned by a handful of Gem'Hadar


warriors, with a few Vorta handlers. A number of Gem'Hadar fighters


were scattered across the expanse of Ferrocrete which was the


starport. There were no other defences in sight. This world's greatest


defence was it's absolute secrecy. The secrecy was protected by dozens


of 'listening posts' scattered through all the surrounding systems,


with immense starports and massive fleets concentrated in these star


systems. Several 'decoy worlds' dotted the regions of the galaxy


controlled by the Founders, most of them with similar protection. It


was very rare that an enemy managed to penetrate to any of these


worlds, and only once had one of them come under bombardment.


The chances of any enemy fleet discovering this world was very


slim, and there was no chance that any fleet would be able to


penetrate this deep into Dominion space without being detected and




The Gem'Hadar stiffened even further than they already were as


a Vorta approached. The Vorta wore a pink amulet, a symbol that it was


in fact not a Vorta but one of the God's themselves. It waved to a


nearby battle-cruiser. Several Gem'Hadar sprang forward, forming an


impromptu honor guard, and escorted their God to the battle-cruiser.


It never even occurred to them to question their God's motives. It was


enough that they were being given an opportunity to serve.


The battle-cruiser rose swiftly through the thin atmosphere,


as the captain directed the ship on the heading indicated by the God


they carried. Few Founders left their home world at all, unless there


was a mission of vital importance that one of their various subjugated


species could not handle. It was a great honour to be able to escort


such a one, even though such an escort usually meant their certain


death in the interests of secrecy at the end of the mission. The


captain and his officers were extremely proud to be able to serve


their masters so directly, and looked forward to their inevitable


death, and what had to be an extremely important mission.


A shout from a bridge crewman caused the captain to look up


sharply, just in time to see the hugest ship he had ever seen


materialise out of nowhere directly in their path. He had no time for


a death cry before the mile-long battle-cruiser was obliterated when


it smashed into the forward shields protecting one of the smaller


structures of the Python's Home.






"SHIT!" Stultissimus shouted. He was looking out of one of the


bridge view-ports just as they terminated their inter-galactic jump,


and the hull of the Python's Home stretched off into the distance for


tens of kilometers, the details of it's architecture lost in the


distance, too small to be seen by the unaided eye. "We didn't hit




The collision was so far away that the Gem'hadar ship he had


obliterated was too small to see with the naked eye. The sensor


operator determined that it would not be wise to correct the


diminutive figure in his pretentious purple robes, and kept quiet


about the collision. One never knew whether he would be furious or


relieved about colliding into something. In any case, the collision


had barely dented their shields.


The Admiral turned away from the viewing port, thus failing to


see the debris come sailing past the view-port and causing the sensor


operator immense relief.


"Scan that world below." Stultissimus shouted.


"It is largely deserted, Excellency. A few life-forms at one


small starport, but otherwise nothing."


"Ah, Fuck! Well it will have to do. Detach one of the


Devastators, and get it started on that planet."


Stultissimus stomped his foot in frustration. He had rather


hoped that the first world he discovered was a heavily populated one.


It would have been really cool to see their response to a World




"What shall we program the World Devastator for, Excellency?"


"Is there enough material down there for another Eclipse?"


"We can make two fully equipped Eclipses, complete with


TIE/Defender fighter squadrons, out of that world, Excellency, with


some wasted material." The operator answered after glancing at his


console. The console reported 2.3 Eclipses, but the 0.3 would probably


confuse the Admiral.


"Do it."








On the ground, the Gem'hadar were racing to their ships, several


fighters took off into the sky, followed by the battle-cruisers. A


call went out to all nearby star-systems, reporting they were under


attack, but no reinforcements would be able to get here for at least


twelve hours even at maximum warp.


The fighters never cleared the atmosphere. They were caught up


in immense turbulence caused as some sort of energy field began


ripping the atmosphere off the planet. A few of the battle-cruisers


got off a few shots, but their weaponry made no impression on the


immense energy fields sweeping across the planet and drawing in matter


of all type and description.


The matter scooped up by the World Devastator's energy fields


were trapped in a another energy field, where a fission reaction was


initiated. The matter was broken down into it's sub-atomic


constituents, the fission reactions providing the energy to extend the


energy fields even further, thus gathering more matter, which was


broken down in more fission reactions releasing more energy in a


continuous feed-back loop. The sub-atomic particles released were


gathered into an immense cloud contained in yet another energy field


where a continuously looping feed-back fusion reaction was initiated.


Slowly, the energy field began to take the shape of an Eclipse-class


Super Star Destroyer.


The World Devastator itself was the conduit for all these


energies, and it was already glowing red-hot as a by-product of the


energies coursing through it. Already, the energy scoops flickering


across the planet below had dug deep into the crust, and the mantle


was exposed. For a second the World Devastator glowed brighter than


the nearby star around which the planet was orbiting, then it


detonated in a blinding flash of barely controlled energies. When the


flash faded, two spanking brand-new Eclipse-class Star Destroyers were


floating in space, surrounded by a handful of molten rocks, slowly


cooling down. Most of the matter of the planet had been converted to


pure energy, some of which had been used to fully charge all systems


on-board the two Eclipse-class destroyers.


"I LOVE THIS TOY!" Stultissimus exulted. He couldn't wait to


try one out on an inhabited planet. "Okay okay okay. Enough gawping,"


he shouted at his bridge crew. "Get the crews and troops on board


those Destroyers, and let's go find some action. I'm bored already."


He walked over to the hologram of the surrounding space mapped


out by the sensor crews. "Launch all probes, find me an inhabited


system quickly, before I kill one of you out of boredom. Eeny meeny


miney MO!" He picked a star at random. "In the meanwhile, let's go see


what this one is."


In minutes, hundreds of shuttles and barges had been launched


to each Eclipse-class Destroyer, and the small fleet was prepared to


jump to the star Stultissiumus had indicated. The two Eclipse-class


Destroyers moved into flanking positions on the massive


battle-station, and the three massive vessels flickered into


hyperspace. The sub-space pulse calling for reinforcements had only


just reached the nearest star-systems, and it would be several hours


before any Gem'Hadar ships arrived and discovered that their Gods had


ceased to exist, except for the handful who hadn't been on the planet.

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